The Island of Sodor Has Gone Crazy!
by Qwwerty
Summary: Parodies of newer episodes, in which some strange things seem to have happened both to the laws of physics and to the engines' personalities....
1. Chapter 1

**Hello anybody who bothers to read this! I'll apologize in advance for the long note.**

**All right- before you go on, I'd like to do two things- set things straight, and tell you a small introductory story.**

**Story first: So here's how it is. I absolutely loved Thomas the Tank Engine when I was little. It was my favorite show. Even years later, I still have a soft spot for it. So, one day, I decide to check up on it- you know, just see how it's doing. And, to my surprise and displeasure, they've completely changed it!**

**Most of the changes I can deal with. I know nothing stays the same forever (although I much prefer the old music, title screen, models, and narrators.) What really ticked me off was how they changed the personalities, particularly those of the narrow gauge engines (which happen to be my favorites.) Especially those of Skarloey and Rheneas. Skarloey was (still is) my favorite, but they've changed him from the wise, kind engine he was into a childish idiot who lacks courage and self-confidence. They didn't do much better to Rheneas. Worse still, they keep making mistakes, making it sound like Skarloey and Rheneas are as young as they make them act! That really annoys me.**

**So what am I going to do to let out my annoyance and frustration? Write a parody, of course!**

**Right, now here's all you need to know to enjoy (perhaps) this parody.**

**-The title of the actual episode parodied comes first, then, after the AKA, is my name for it. **

**-These parodies will probably mostly stay focused on narrow gauge, as I find it easier to parody stuff that ticks me off, and the narrow gauge changes tick me off, but I may do a standard gauge one if I feel like it. **

**-It helps if you actually see these episodes first. It'll make less sense if you don't, although you'll probably still get it. **

**-Some of the dialogue is from the actual episode, some is not. You'll probably be able to tell the difference. Likewise, some of the other lines are part of the narration, others aren't.**

**-I'm not insulting the show, remember, I still have a soft spot for it, I just hate how they've changed it.**

**Oh, and of course I don't own Thomas the Tank Engine. If I did, things would be a LOT different....**

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Skarloey the Brave, AKA the Stupidest, Most Out-of-Character Episode Ever

One of Skarloey's favorite places on the Island of Sodor is a little village at the top of the mountains. Which is rather strange, as his railway is _supposed_ to run through a forest, with a lake and waterfall, and this is referred to many times in previous episodes. Heck, anyone who's read the books would know that the lake and the waterfall were how Skarloey and Rheneas got their names. But now the railway has been magically moved into the mountains.

Anyways, although this village is small, it apparently needs several trucks of coal per day. How they manage to use so much coal in one day is a mystery, but, without it their houses cannot be snug and warm. (Oh, tragedy!!!!)

One day Rheneas was shunting a line of trucks at the Incline, which, despite being part of a slate quarry, is somehow closely linked to the village's coal supply. Rheneas was scared because the Incline was so high, even though he was at the bottom of it and didn't even have to go up.

"You are such a scaredy engine!" Skarloey teased him. "I'm not afraid of anything!"

"You'd think I wouldn't be scared of the Incline, since I've done this loads of times before, I'm over a hundred years old, and in other episodes it's clearly stated how much I enjoy working at the Incline," sighed Rheneas. "But apparently the writers have other ideas."

"I understand," Skarloey agreed sadly. "You'd think I'd be too mature to tease you, because I'm over a hundred too, and you're my brother, but-"

"We're deviating from the script!!!" shouted Skarloey's driver. "You two can chat later when this episode is over! Now get on with it!"

Right. Ahem. Skarloey thought he was the bravest engine in the world.

Skarloey was surprised. "What? I never-"

"Script!" shouted his driver.

Then, the coupling holding the trucks broke!

"Oh no!" cried Skarloey. He reversed as quickly as he could to get out of the loaded trucks' way. He raced past Thomas, who really served no purpose at all in the story but just had to butt in there somewhere, and then into a siding. The points magically switched, and the cars raced past.

"Phew!" said Skarloey. "Thank goodness for magic!"

But now the cars were headed straight for Rusty. Rusty blew his horn, and the signalman switched the cars into a siding.

"Good job, Rusty," said the Thin Controller, who had for some unknown reason adopted the name Mr. Percival. "Since we're so keen on shoving lessons down kids' throats, you just showed all the children that if loaded trucks are ever speeding towards them, they should stand there and make a lot of noise instead of getting out of the way. You are a very brave engine."

"Thank you sir," said Rusty. "Although really, Skarloey had no choice but to get out of the way, as there was no siding between where the cars broke free and the one he went into, and the alternative would've been that the cars smash into him and-"

"Silence!" shouted the Thin Controller. "That's not in the script!"

_So what _is_ in the script?_ Skarloey wondered. He asked his driver.

His driver told him.

"You've got to be joking!" complained Skarloey. "Honestly, that's the most embarrassing, out-of-character-"

"Shh!" said his driver. "Just say it!"

"Oh all right!" He sighed. "I want to be the bravest! I want to show everyone that I'm the bravest engine of all! Although it's kind of pointless now, what with them making episodes in which I'm scared of a bridge, scared of lightning, scared of the wharf, scared of-"

"Shh!" said his driver again.

Skarloey was unhappy, but for an entirely different reason than the script said.

The next day, Skarloey was shunting trucks at the Incline when he got the worst idea ever.

"I know! I can leave myself coupled to the trucks, and be pulled up the Incline, even though it's been proven by Duncan that the chains can't hold the weight of an engine!" He frowned. "Cinders and ashes, who's putting these ideas in my head?!"

"Just do what you're told," said his driver.

So Skarloey left himself coupled to the trucks and got pulled up the Incline.

Rheneas and Duncan saw him. Instead of being concerned for his safety, as they ought to have been, since there'd been several accidents involving the Incline before, they cheered him on

"Isn't that brave!" said Duncan. "When that happened to me, I went flying into a pond and damaged myself!"

Of course, the winch broke.

Skarloey began speeding down the Incline.

"Skarloey!" shouted his driver, who was hanging on for his life.

"What?"

"You're supposed to say something!"

"Am I? What… bust my buffers, is it not bad enough that I'm speeding down a hill towards certain disaster?!"

"_Say it!"_

Skarloey sighed. "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

When Skarloey got to the bottom of the Incline, he was going so fast he couldn't stop. He zoomed past Thomas, who again had no business being there and served no purpose in the story, and for some reason hadn't moved from the exact same spot he was in sitting in yesterday (and they call him a Really Useful Engine?), flew into a siding and crashed to a stop.

Later, the Thin Controller gave Skarloey a stern talking-to.

"This episode is getting worse and worse," said Skarloey sadly. "I haven't had a stern talking-to for decades. This is so out-of-character."

"The village will get no coal today!" said the Thin Controller sternly.

"But why does it matter if the winch is broken?" asked Skarloey. "That doesn't have anything to do with-"

"Silence!"

Skarloey was silent.

"_I said the village will get no coal today!!!"_

"Yes, sir," said Skarloey.

He left sadly. The past two days definitely hadn't been the best. He'd had to act like an idiot, crash into a siding, be yelled at, and now this. "The village has no coal, and it's my fault," he sighed. "Well, technically it's the writers', but inadvertently…. Well, what's the script going to have me do next?"

"You have to decide that some things are better than being brave, and bring the coal up to the village," said his driver.

"You mean I can finally start acting like myself again?" Skarloey felt a lot better. "Excellent!"

He went to the top of the Incline to fetch the coal trucks. Rheneas and Duncan were there, apparently having nothing better to do- even though Rheneas had supposedly been afraid of the Incline's height at the _bottom_ of it, being at the _top_ was fine.

"Are you going to take the empty trucks down without the winch?" they asked. "That would be really brave!"

"Because apparently we're so stupid that even after the results of your first attempt to be brave, we want you to try it again," muttered Rheneas darkly, as the narrator said things that made it sound like Skarloey was making a tough decision.

"No," said Skarloey, having made one of the easiest decisions ever. "I'm taking coal up to the village." And he left.

Skarloey enjoyed himself the entire way to the village, finally able to act like himself again. Meanwhile, the narrator said dramatic things that made it sound like he was having a difficult time.

When he reached the village, all the villagers cheered. After all, they'd had to endure their houses not being warm and snug for three full minutes!!! They'd almost had to use some of those extra dozens of trucks of coal they must've had stored up by then!

"Sometimes doing the right thing is better than having people think you're brave!" said Skarloey. He sighed. "I could've told you that at the start, writers!"

Suddenly, Thomas magically materialized beside him.

"Oh, hello," said Skarloey. "How'd you do that?"

"I don't know," said Thomas. "I guess they thought I didn't get enough screen time in this episode. Because you know, I have to appear for at least forty seconds in every episode." He vanished again.

Skarloey sighed. "And so concludes the worst episode ever."

And so concluded the worst episode ever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Right, here's another episode that really annoyed me. This parody is somewhat better than the last one.**

Fearless Freddie, AKA So Many Errors I Don't Know What To Say

An old friend was coming to visit the narrow gauge railway. His name was Bignose- oops, sorry, I meant, his name Another Engine That Will Probably Be Seen Two More Times And Then Vanish From The Face of the Earth- wait, no, that's not it, I meant, his name was Fearless Freddie.

Everybody knew Fearless Freddie, despite the fact that he's never been mentioned ever before. Really, he's quite famous!

Thomas (who else?) brought Fearless Freddie's truck to the station.

Sir Handel was there. "Hello Freddie," said Sir Handel. "I haven't seen you for years."

"That's because we've never met before," said Fearless Freddie.

"I didn't know you two were old friends," said Thomas.

"Yes, Freddie was the fastest engine on this railway," said Sir Handel.

"When was I on this railway?" asked Fearless Freddie, confused.

"In the imaginary days that didn't exist before Skarloey and Rheneas were here," replied Sir Handel.

"Oh yes," said Fearless Freddie.

Just then, Skarloey and Rheneas raced up.

"I'm the winner!" said Skarloey.

"No, I am!" argued Rheneas.

"What are you two doing?" asked Sir Handel.

"I don't know," said Skarloey, "but probably something really immature that we would never really do."

"I think we're racing," said Rheneas, "which is strange, because we're a bit old for that."

"Who are you?" asked Fearless Freddie.

"We're the fastest engines in the hills!"

Skarloey looked at Rheneas. "Did you say that?"

"No," said Rheneas. "Didn't you?"

"No…"

"I'll show you who's fast," said Fearless Freddie. "I'll race you down the mountain!"

Rheneas and Skarloey liked to race.

"What?" said Rheneas. "No we-"

They steamed off excitedly.

"We're going to lose at best, completely destroy ourselves at worst," sighed Skarloey as they went up the mountain.

Fearless Freddie followed them up the mountain after he got off his car. It took him awhile. "I used to be able to get up here in no time," he complained. "Back in those good old imaginary days…"

He met Rheneas and Skarloey at the top of the mountain, and the race began!

Fearless Freddie zoomed down the hill. He had a good lead. But eventually, he began to tire.

"Oh no!" he said. "Those young engines are going to beat me!"

"Young?" said Rheneas in surprise. "We're the oldest engines on the island! Can't you count?"

"We're well over a hundred!" agreed Skarloey. "Since when was that young?"

"Well, I'm older than you in _imaginary_ years," Fearless Freddie retorted. "Now… how can I beat you?" Suddenly, he remembered an old imaginary track from the imaginary days. "No one will remember that now!" he said.

He crashed off into the bushes, following the imaginary track.

"What is he doing?!" gasped Skarloey. "He just went off the rails!"

"And… he's still moving???" Rheneas added, startled.

"Ha ha!" laughed Fearless Freddie as he smashed through plants and rocks on his imaginary track. "Now they can't catch me!"

Fearless Freddie reached the bottom of the mountain, and rejoined the main track. "Those young engines couldn't beat me!" he said.

"I wonder what his idea of 'old' is?" Rheneas muttered.

Rheneas and Skarloey reached the bottom of the hill. They were worn out and shaken. That was the craziest thing they'd done in decades.

"You're so fast!" said Rheneas. "And slightly insane!"

"_Don't_ make us race you again!" said Skarloey. "Please!"

"Of course!" said Fearless Freddie. "Fearless Freddie never turns down a race! We'll meet back at the top of the mountain!" He started back up.

"Wait- what?" Skarloey was puzzled.

Rheneas sighed. "Writers. They'll twist anything you say."

Soon, everyone was back at the top of the hill, ready to race again.

"Well, if by 'ready', you mean 'feeling an intense sense of dread and doom,' then perhaps we're ready," muttered Skarloey.

"We'll race you down the other side of the mountain this time," said Rheneas. He paused. "Wait a moment, the other side is very steep-"

"The other side is very steep," warned Fearless Freddie. "Because, of course I know your railway _much_ better than you do."

"You're not scared, are you?" challenged Skarloey. He paused. "What am I saying?"

"Of course not!" said Fearless Freddie. "I'm fearless!"

The race began.

Fearless Freddie shot past the old young engines. He had a big lead, but soon he began to feel tired again. Then he remembered another old imaginary track. "Ha ha!" he laughed as he veered off and smashed through the boulders and undergrowth, "I know this railway better than anyone!"

Soon, he arrived at the bottom of the mountain, safe and sound.

Meanwhile, Skarloey and Rheneas were trying not to derail and go careening down the mountainside. After all, being as old as they were, racing on twisting and turning mountain tracks wasn't going very well for them.

"Don't go any faster! Don't go any faster!" shouted Skarloey.

"I don't know _where_ the writers got the idea that we _enjoy _this kind of stuff," hissed Rheneas, "but I swear it'll be the end of us!"

He came pretty close to being right.

There was a particularly sharp bend up ahead, and Rheneas couldn't turn fast enough. He came off the rails and went careening over the side.

"Oh no!" said Skarloey. He raced down the mountain.

Fearless Freddie was waiting for him.

"Rheneas came off the rails, and now I don't know where he is," said Skarloey. "If those stupid writers hadn't-"

Just then, Sir Handel, who had heard everything with the magically acute sense of hearing he'd gained with those extra imaginary years, came up with the Thin Controller.

"Who should I yell at?" demanded the Thin Controller. "I need someone to yell at!"

"It's all my fault sir," said Fearless Freddie. "I used imaginary tracks."

"You tricked us!" said Skarloey angrily, "and now Rheneas is lost and in trouble!" He paused. "Wait, _that's _what you were doing off the rails!"

"If you'll follow me, sir," continued Fearless Freddie. "I can find him. I know all the imaginary tracks."

So Skarloey and Sir Handel followed Fearless Freddie down one of the imaginary tracks.

"This is a bit bumpy," commented Sir Handel as he crunched through some gravel.

"I'm too old for this," Skarloey agreed as he plowed through a bush.

"Oh, stop complaining," said Fearless Freddie cheerfully. "This is a perfectly lovely imaginary track."

The imaginary track wound further and further down into the valley, until they found Rheneas.

"I'm so glad you've found me!" said Rheneas. "However, I'm not glad that they've given me such a cheesy line."

Soon, Rheneas was back on the (albeit imaginary) rails, and the engines headed home.

"I'm sorry I tricked you," said Fearless Freddie. "You're much faster engines than me."

"What?" said Rheneas. "No we're not. I mean, really, we nearly destroyed ourselves doing that at all."

"Of course I'll tell you about the old imaginary tracks!" said Fearless Freddie.

Rheneas was puzzled. "What did I say?"

And so Fearless Freddie told the young engines--

Skarloey sighed and glanced at Rheneas. "Well, I suppose we could take it as a compliment."

--all about the old tracks.

And everyone was happy.

Well, almost everyone.

Back at the station, Thomas was upset. "I don't think I got enough screen time!" he complained.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey look, I found a standard-gauge episode stupid enough for me to want to parody it!**

Thomas and the Jet Engine, AKA Does It Get Any More Ridiculous Than This?

Gordon is the fastest engine on the Island of Sodor, and he loves to boast about it. One day, as he came into the station, his driver announced that he'd broken the record again.

"I'm the fastest!" Gordon bragged.

The other engines, who were sitting around at the platforms doing nothing but blocking the tracks, were not impressed.

"Speed isn't everything," said James. "But having splendid red paint is."

"But being reliable and useful is," said Thomas.

"You slow engines will never understand, because you'll never go as fast as me," said Gordon proudly.

Just then, the Fat Controller suddenly appeared on the platform. "Thomas, you're going to pull a special," he said.

"But Thomas always pulls the specials," complained James. "Why can't any of the rest of us ever pull one?"

"You are all much too busy," said the Fat Controller.

James and Percy looked at each other. Neither of them had a train.

"But sir-" began James.

"James, is this show called 'James the Red Engine and Friends'?" snapped the Fat Controller. "Anyways, Thomas, I want you to collect the jet engine and take it to the airfield."

"What's a 'jet engine'?" asked Percy.

"A jet engine moves forwards by pushing hot air out its back," explained the Fat Controller.

"Just like when you blow up a balloon and let it go," said Thomas. He paused. "That was a stupid line- what do I know about blowing up balloons? I've never blown up a balloo-"

"Silence!" shouted the Fat Controller.

Percy imagined an engine like himself with a giant balloon attached to its back pushing it forwards. "Oh, I understand," he said.

"_Silence!"_ shouted the Fat Controller.

The engines were silent.

"Yes, sir?" asked Thomas nervously. "What is it, sir?"

"Nothing, I just like to yell 'silence'," said the Fat Controller. "Now, off you go."

Thomas left.

As Thomas made his way to the docks, he thought about how much he wished he could go as fast as Gordon could.

"Wait," said Thomas. "I don't wish I could go as fast as Gordon can! Don't you remember that episode way back when we were still following the books, when I left myself coupled to Gordon's train and-"

"SILENCE!" shouted the Fat Controller.

When Thomas arrived at the docks, he was excited to see the jet engine. It was shiny, and modern, and he'd never seen anything like it. He couldn't wait to pull it. In fact, he was so impatient that he yelled at Cranky the Crane. "Hurry up!"

Cranky didn't like being told what to do. He was so cranky he became careless with his hook. His hook knocked the switch, and the switch started the jet engine, and the engine began to whine, and the whine got louder and louder and louder.

"Uh-oh," said Cranky. Before he could say anything else, the engine had exploded and blown Thomas to pieces.

_Wait! Rewind! Thomas can't explode!!!_

"Uh-oh," said Cranky. Before he could say anything else, the engine had started, broken free of its bonds, and shot forwards, blasting a hole right through Thomas.

_No! That can't happen either!!!_

"Uh-oh," said Cranky. Before he could say anything else, the engine had started, the ropes miraculously held, the car shot forwards, and Thomas was propelled fifty feet into the air.

_Stop it!!!!_

"Uh-oh," said Cranky. Before he could say anything else, in a scenario that would be completely impossible outside the writers' fantasies, the jet engine was rocketing Thomas up the track.

"Ohhhhhh!" screamed Thomas.

His driver tried to put on the brakes, but he couldn't due to the fact that he was too busy hanging for dear life.

"Ohhhhhh—boy!!!" shouted Thomas as he shot past a station.

The stationmaster conveniently happened to be looking out a window in the split second Thomas passed by. He called ahead, and signals were changed and points were switched.

Thomas had never been so excited!

"Heeeeeeeeeeeelp!!!!" shouted Thomas.

He flew by James--

"Bother!" said James. "He blew dust all over my splendid red coat!"

--and rocketed past Henry—

"Aaaaauuugh!!!" screamed Henry, and he ran into the nearest tunnel.

--and raced by Percy.

"What was that?" wondered Percy in confusion. "It looked like a jet engine… but where was the balloon?"

"Want to race, Thomas?" shouted Bertie.

Thomas didn't answer as he zoomed by. He was too busy screaming.

Up ahead, Gordon somehow hadn't heard about Thomas, despite the fact the stationmaster had raised the alarm, and signals had been switched and points changed. "I'm the fastest!" said Gordon cheerfully. "Why I feel the need to repeat that line over and over when there's no one to hear is mystery! But I'm still the fastest!"

Thomas screamed as he zoomed by.

"Thomas! Shouldn't you have blown up by now?!" yelled Gordon.

At last the jet engine ran out of fuel. Thomas went slower and slower until he was back under his own power.

Thomas stopped in the middle of the tracks. He was exhausted. Despite the fact that he hadn't had to propel himself during that crazy ride, he'd still had to turn his wheels the entire time. "Stupid writers!" he shouted. "I went through this before! Don't you remember that old episode where—"

"_SILENCE!"_ shouted the Fat Controller.

Thomas steamed tiredly into the station, where coincidentally the other engines were once again sitting doing nothing but blocking the tracks.

"Sorry… for… over-taking…you…back…there…Gordon," panted Thomas. "But I just had a brush with destruction. If the writers hadn't decided to suspend all the laws of physics, I'd be a twisted heap of metal right now."

Gordon, despite having been passed by Thomas earlier, had somehow made it back to the station first.

"Over-take me? I didn't notice," said Gordon.

"You didn't notice the fastest engine on the island?" asked Henry, who had since emerged from his tunnel. "You _must_ be stupid."

"It's not my fault they gave me that line, Henry," snapped Gordon.

"I _am_ the fastest!" said Thomas.

"You got dirt all over my splendid red paint!" complained James.

"Gordon's not a jet engine, he's a steam engine!" said Percy. "He doesn't have a balloon!"

"_SILENCE!"_ shouted the Fat Controller. Then he giggled.


	4. Chapter 4

**I actually liked this episode- despite it defying several laws of physics, it was good. Plus, it was from back before the show started really... uh, going downhill. But there it was, ready to be parodied, so how could I resist?**

**Anyways, if you bother to read, please do review. I like reviews, I promise I won't bite. Even if you just review to tell me how much this sucked and how you've now lost several brain cells. Plus, I've got the anonymous review setting turned on, so if you don't have an account/don't feel like logging in/don't want anyone to know you've been reading junk like this, review anyways!**

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Rusty and the Boulder, AKA Indiana Jones Sodor Style

High up on a mountain in the hills of Sodor stood a giant perfectly spherical boulder with a mysterious resemblance to a meatball. It had stood alone undisturbed on its cliff for a long time. But one day, workmen arrived to build a quarry nearby, completely ignoring potential dangers posed by the large, precariously balanced rock formation looming overhead.

Rusty was bringing a load of rock down from the quarry one day when he met Thomas and Percy, who were sitting around doing nothing as usual, and had somehow gained the ability to run on narrow gauge rails.

"Where's all this rock coming from?" asked Percy.

"The new quarry," replied Rusty. "This mountain rock is good for many things, although it's dangerous up there."

"Why?" asked Thomas.

"Because of Peter Sam, I'm really afraid of him," said Rusty.

"What?!" said Thomas. "Really?"

"No," said Rusty. "Because of a big boulder, I think it's watching me."

"How can it be, boulders don't have eyes!" said Percy. He paused. "Wow, they gave me a line that proves I actually _do_ have a brain!"

"That may be, Percy, but there's something strange about this one," said Rusty.

"What makes you think that?" asked Thomas.

"Well, for starters, it looks like a giant meatball," said Rusty.

Just then, Edward arrived with a new piece of machinery for the quarry.

"What's that?" asked Rusty.

"It's called Thumper," said Edward.

"Excuse me!!" said Thumper indignantly. "That's not fair, why do _I_ have to be an 'it', and you all get to be 'he's?"

"Don't worry," said Rusty. "At least they haven't called you a 'she' yet."

"It helps collect the rock faster," Edward went on.

Thumper glared.

"Sorry- _he_ helps collect the rock faster," Edward corrected himself.

"Thank you," said Thumper.

Soon Thumper was working hard, and although it—

"He!" shouted Thumper angrily.

-sorry, and although _he_ was doing nothing discernable but making a loud noise and a lot of dust, the men were pleased.

But no one bothered the check the boulder.

Rusty looked up to check the boulder. "Do you really think," he asked his driver nervously, "that it was a good idea to build a quarry right underneath several tons of precariously balanced rock?"

"Don't be so daft," said his driver. "The workmen know what they're doing."

One day, it rained, and the workmen went away.

Rusty, who for some unknown reason was at the worksite despite it being closed, looked up at the boulder nervously.

Suddenly, a huge chunk of rock fell onto the tracks in front of him.

Rusty was shocked.

"The rain must've loosened some of this rock," said his driver.

"Wonderful, now can we _get out of the way?"_ asked Rusty. "The rain might've loosened Boulder too."

"You've named the rock?" asked his driver, bemused.

"That's what they call it in the script!" Rusty protested.

"Are you _following_ the script?"

"Er…right. I think it's Boulder, wanting us to go away."

"Don't be so daft," said his driver.

"That wasn't in the script either!" said Rusty indignantly.

His driver shrugged.

As they backed away from the worksite, Rusty glanced up at the boulder again.

"Hey look, it has Gordon's face!" he shouted.

"What?" said Gordon. "That hunk of stone looks nothing like a big, strong engine, such as myself."

The next day, the sun shone. Despite the loosened rock from the previous day's rain, the workmen came back.

"How stupid is that?" said Rusty incredulously.

"Don't be so daft- that's not stupid," said his driver.

Then Rusty noticed something. "Boulder's moving!"

"Don't be so daft," said his driver. "It can't!"

"Then how do you explain the dust falling onto the tracks?" asked Rusty.

"That's nothing."

"What about the sound of grating stone?"

"Coincidence."

"The looming shadow that's shifting overhead?"

"Nothing to worry about."

The giant boulder smashed down onto the tracks in front of them.

"Ah," said Rusty's driver, and jumped into Rusty's cab.

The boulder began rolling towards them.

"It's rolling along our line!" said Rusty, and he reversed around a bend and into a siding.

"We'll stop here until Boulder passes by," said Rusty's driver.

But Boulder had mysteriously disappeared.

Until…

"It's behind us!" shouted Rusty's driver.

Rusty shot forward. "How did it get there?"

"I don't know!" said his driver. "Maybe by the same magic that makes it perfectly spherical and gives it Gordon's face!"

"That is _not_ my face!" shouted Gordon.

The boulder chased Rusty down the line.

"Whoo!" screamed his driver. He put on a fedora.

Up ahead was a junction. One line went uphill.

"Quick!" shouted Rusty's driver. "Use your telekinetic powers to switch the points to the uphill line!"

"But I haven't got any telekinetic-"

The points magically switched.

Rusty went uphill, and the boulder thundered past.

Meanwhile, further down the mountain, Skarloey was pushing a couple of cars up to the quarry.

"What's that loud ominous rumbling sound?" he wondered.

"Probably nothing," said his driver.

The boulder rolled around a bend and thundered down the track towards them.

"Yiiiiiiikes!" shouted Skarloey, and he reversed.

"This reminds me of some movie…" mused his driver.

Boulder was catching up to them fast, but there was a siding up ahead.

"Hurry!" shouted Skarloey's driver. "Use your telekinetic powers and change the points!"

"But I haven't got any tele-"

The points switched, and they ducked into the siding.

The boulder rolled past, smashing some random wooden structure as it went. Broken pieces of wood rained down on Skarloey.

"Good riddance," he said.

Rusty came down the line.

"We must warn the yards!" said Skarloey.

"Yes, but how?" asked Rusty.

"I don't know!"

"I've got it- send smoke signals!" said Rusty's driver.

"I can't do that, I'm a diesel," snapped Rusty.

"Have Skarloey do it, he's a steam engine."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Skarloey. "That won't work."

"Dun da da daaaah, dun da duuun," said Rusty's driver as he straightened his fedora.

"SILENCE!" shouted the Fat Controller.

Meanwhile, further down the line was Rheneas.

"Why am I headed up to the quarry with no trucks?" asked Rheneas.

"I don't know," said his driver. "What's that giant round thing rolling towards us?"

"It's running loose!" yelled Rheneas.

"What's running loose?" shouted his driver.

"I don't know! But that was my line!" Rheneas looked at the thing that was bearing down upon them. "It… looks like a giant meatball."

He went into reverse.

"Wait, it's not a meatball, it's a boulder! Yiiiiiikes!"

They shot backwards towards the viaduct, which had conveniently transported itself from where it usually was down by the main part of the railway to up in the mountains.

"We'll lose it there!" shouted Rheneas's driver.

Rheneas zoomed backwards across the viaduct.

The boulder sped after him, managing to stay perfectly balanced on a structure that was half its width, and, if anything, increasing its speed.

"I hate it when the laws of physics fail me," sighed Rheneas.

There was a siding ahead.

"Quick!" shouted Rheneas's driver. "Use your telekinetic powers and change the points!"

"What?! I haven't got any-"

The points changed.

Rheneas smashed into some rocks, and the boulder rolled past.

"Rather a smash than a squash," said his driver.

"I suppose," said Rheneas. "Then, you weren't the one doing the smashing."

At the yards, Percy was collecting some trucks when he saw Boulder.

"Oh no, it's heading right for me!" he shouted. "I'd better stay right where I am and shut my eyes instead of running away!"

Boulder smashed into the sheds, which exploded into flames.

"How did that happen?" asked Percy, surprised. "There wasn't anything to spark a fire."

"Dramatic effect," said his driver.

The Fat Controller appeared.

"Sir!" said Percy in surprise. "How did you know to come here?"

"I saw the smoke signals," said the Fat Controller. He pointed to a shapeless blob of steam was rising from further up the line. "Can't you read that? It clearly says, 'Danger; a gigantic meatball is approaching the yards and will flatten the sheds, causing them to burst into flames."

"Er…" said Percy.

Back up the line, Rusty's driver looked proud. "I told you it would work!" he crowed.

"I think I said 'meatball' instead of 'boulder'," said Skarloey.

"Same difference," said Rusty's driver.

"Take off that hat, you look ridiculous," said Rusty.

The Fat Controller surveyed the damage.

"Excuse me, sir," said. Percy. "Why do you need to survey the damage, sir, when it's really quite obvious, sir, that the shed it completely destroyed, sir?"

"Silence, Percy!" said the Fat Controller. "Don't interrupt me while I'm surveying damage."

After a pause, the Fat Controller decided to shut down the mine. Then he looked at Boulder and said, "We should've left this part of the island alone."

They moved Boulder to a hill near the yards.

"Excuse me, sir, but how did we move the boulder, sir, and why, sir, when we could've left it in the yard, sir?" asked Percy.

"That doesn't concern you, Percy," said the Fat Controller. "Now go pull the mail train or something."

Rusty is sure that on clear nights, Boulder is looking up at the mountain, and it sighs of being carried on the wind to where it once used to stand, proud and silent.

"And with Gordon's face," added Rusty.

"_That boulder does not have my face!!!!"_ thundered Gordon.

Rusty's driver straightened his fedora.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everybody, sorry I haven't been writing anything in so long. And thank you for all the reviews! I love reviews. I was quite pleasantly surprised that people actually found me... funny. And I was called a genius twice! *Looks shocked* Geez, don't hear that a lot! :D You guys are all so kind, thank you! Anyways, I'm glad that there're people who also dislike what's been done to this show, and glad I could entertain you all.**

**Oh, and TBman- mutant two-headed engine, lol. Greenpeace protesters, lol again!**

**Now, on with the story...**

The Green Controller, AKA ... Yeah, I'm Kinda Done With the Whole "AKA" Thing, Just Not Working For Me Anymore

Percy was all alone one day at Tidmouth Sheds when the Fat Controller's car pulled up. "Uh-oh," thought Percy. "He must've found out about those trucks…."

But it wasn't the Fat Controller who stepped out of the car. It was Lady Hatt— and three random other ladies that served no discernable purpose.

"Sir Topham is sick," she announced. "He's lost his voice."

"Good riddance!" peeped Percy. "Oops, I mean…that's- uh, terrible!"

"Sir Topham has given me a list of jobs," said Lady Hatt.

"For me, ma'am?" peeped Percy.

"No, Percy, none of them are for you."

"Then why are you telling me, ma'am?" peeped Percy.

"Because I can't be bothered to go and tell anyone else. That involves me driving for more than two minutes," said Lady Hatt. "Pressing your foot on a gas pedal is very tiring, you know. So instead, I will entrust of the running of this railway to a little tank engine with the brains of a turntable."

"Hey!" protested Percy. "I'll have you know that I—"

"Listen carefully," interrupted Lady Hatt. "Gordon is to collect coaches of china from Knapford and take them to Brendam Docks."

"But ma'am, wouldn't it be more sensible to put the china in vans instead of coaches?" peeped Percy.

"Listen, you stupid little engine," said Lady Hatt. "The plates and cups paid first-class fair, and we're not going to shove them in miserable old vans. That's discrimination against inanimate objects! That's not _politically correct! _It would corrupt the innocent children!"

"Erm… all right," peeped Percy. "But… why have we suddenly been obscured by an image of a crate of china?"

"Come on, Percy, you can't expect all the little children at home to know what china is," sniffed Lady Hatt. "I mean, can you imagine the nasty letters we would get from the parents if their little darlings thought that we were having Gordon pull the country China? That would be... _politically incorrect!!!!"_

"Oh."

"Anyways." Lady Hatt went on. "The coaches must be pulled very slowly."

"Then why did you choose the fastest engine for the job, ma'am?"

"Because we like annoying the crap out of Gordon," said Lady Hatt. "Now- James must shunt trucks in the coal yard."

"But why choose the engine who hates shunting the most to—"

"I've already explained this to you, Percy, we like annoying James too," said Lady Hatt. "Now remember, James must be as busy as a bee."

"Busy bee," peeped Percy. "I'm sure he'll love hearing that."

"And Toby is to take visitors from Maithewaite to the Scottish castle," said Lady Hatt. "He must go as fast as Gordon's Express."

"Well then," peeped Percy. "If you want the china to go slow, and the visitors to go fast, why don't you get Toby to pull the china, and Gordon to pull the visitors? Huh? And why don't you get _me_ to do the shunting instead of James, instead of letting me just sit here or sending me on some wild goose chase? Why not, huh? Answer me that!"

Lady Hatt just shook her head. "That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard, Percy," she said. "You are the daftest engine that ever existed. I don't think I've ever met anyone with a lower IQ than you." She paused for breath. "Anyways, you're in charge now." And she left.

Just then, Thomas puffed in. "Hello, Percy!" he called. "Never mind me- just making my mandatory appearance!"

"I'm Controller for the day!" peeped Percy.

"Do you need any help?" asked Thomas.

"No," peeped Percy. "She's only told me three things to remember- any fool can remember three little things." And off he puffed.

Percy found Gordon first. "Gordon," he peeped. "I'm Controller for the day! You are… to… er…." Somehow, in the span of only a few minutes, Percy had managed to forget what Lady Hatt had told him! "You're to pull slow coaches… of Chinese people, I think."

"Slow coaches!" moaned Gordon. "Oh, the indignity!"

"Shut up!" snapped Percy. "At least _you_ aren't made to regularly do things that make you look dumber than a post."

"Eh… I guess you have a point," said Gordon.

"Of course I do," peeped Percy, and he puffed away.

Percy had a lot to do, and a lot to remember.

"Well, really, three things isn't all that much," peeped Percy. "If you would let me have a brain capacity greater than one functioning neuron."

Next, he found James getting splattered with what looked like white icing.

"Hello, Percy!" called James. "D'you like my disguise? Reckon I could give Henry a nice scare like this…."

"James," peeped Percy. "You must be a busy bee."

"A _bee?!?!_" squeaked James, horrified.

"Oh, c'mon, it's only an expression," snorted Percy. "Now get over your apiphobia and do some work!"

"But… a bee?" whispered James. "Does this mean I have to be painted yellow and black?"

"Yes, of course it does," peeped Percy sarcastically. "Really, they call _me_ stupid." And he puffed off.

Finally, he found Toby. "Toby," he peeped. "You must pull Gordon's Express!"

"That's ridiculous!" said Toby. "I can't pull—"

"Sure you can, Toby!" interrupted Percy. "You've just never tried, that's all. Now go do something useful! Go… scare all the policemen on Sodor, go break Duck out his storage box… whatever."

And Percy puffed off feeling very important.

Later, he decided to go check on the other engines. Some children were waiting on the bridge, standing right next to the tracks.

"Children!" peeped Percy. "Shouldn't you be in school? And you shouldn't be standing so close to the tracks, either! What if I'd been going fast, and I'd run you down? If the children watching at home are as impressionable as everyone makes them out to be, is this really a good example you're setting?"

"Shut up, Percy," laughed the children. "We rule the Island of Sodor now, so we can do whatever we want. And right now, we want to laugh at the other engines."

Percy looked down at the track. There was Gordon, pulling his train along very, very slowly. "Percy!" he shouted. "I changed my mind! I'd rather be dumber than a post, thanks very much! My passengers are yelling at me… and I can't even understand what they're saying! I don't speak Chinese!"

Next came James. He was painted bright yellow with black stripes.

"James!" gasped Percy. "How did they paint you so quickly?"

"Magic?" suggested James. "More importantly—WHAT KIND OF STUPID IDIOT WOULD REPAINT SUCH A SPLENDID RED ENGINE SUCH AWFUL COLORS?!?! I don't feel shiny anymore!"

"Who is that giant, stripey bee?" giggled the children.

"BEE?!" screamed James. "_Where?!"_

Then, along came Toby with the heavy Express. He was very tired.

"Toby!" squeaked Percy. "How are you even moving that thing?!"

"Shh!" hissed Toby. "Don't tell, but I managed to break Duck out of his storage box, and in return, he's helping by pushing from behind!"

The children laughed and laughed at the three stupid-looking engines. The three stupid-looking engines were cross. They all yelled at Percy, and Percy knew he'd made lots of mistakes.

Duh.

Then, Thomas puffed up, not pulling a train or doing anything discernibly useful… as usual. "What's wrong, Percy?" he asked.

"I can't remember what Lady Hatt told me," peeped Percy, "and now all the engines are doing the wrong jobs. All because I'm not allowed to have more than one functioning brain cell. And, just to top things off, for some reason I can't ever _say_ things, I have to 'peep' them. I mean, really— what do they think I am, a bird?"

"Hmm," said Thomas, after thinking about Percy's problem. "You must go back over your tracks."

The audience died from bad-pun exposure.

"You might see things that help you remember," Thomas went on.

Percy thought that was a very good idea. "Great! Let's waste more time and leave Gordon, James, and Toby sitting there blocking the tracks!" he said, and they puffed away.

Soon, they arrived at Knapford Station. Percy saw crates of china waiting on the platform.

"That's it!" he cried. "Gordon was supposed to take the china!"

"Where's our train?" demanded a plate. "We paid good money for those seats, and our train isn't even here! I demand a refund!"

"It's because we're inanimate objects, isn't it?!" screamed a teacup. "_Isn't it?!?!"_

Thomas and Percy puffed into the coal yard. There were lots of grumbling trucks waiting to be shunted.

"What are you guys complaining about?" snapped Thomas. "You hate being shunted!"

"That's it!" gasped Percy. "James is to shunt lots of trucks!"

That sorted, Thomas and Percy arrived at Maithewaite Station. There were lots of visitors waiting on the platform.

"That's it!" cried Percy. "Toby is to take the visitors from Maithewaite Station!"

"Looks like the visitors are more agreeable than the china plates," noted Thomas. "Anyways, well done Percy, you managed to eventually sort out everything you screwed up, even if it did take most of the day and a lot of pointless running around the island."

And so, now that everything had been sorted out, in typical unrealistic fashion everything went magically to the way it should be. All the engines were doing the right jobs, and James had even been speed-painted back to red.

That evening, the Fat Controller, who seemed to have gotten over his illness surprisingly quickly, came to the sheds.

"Why's Emily in the shot?" wondered Percy.

"Shh," hissed Thomas. "She has to appear somewhere, or it would be _politically incorrect!"_

"Well done, Percy," said the Fat Controller. "Despite the fact that you completely ruined the timetable, had me pay to have James painted twice in one day, and made me refund two trains of passengers and a train of irate china, I'm proud of you."

"Thank you Sir," said Percy. "I'm glad you've found your voice."

The Fat Controller made some sort of weird contorted expression that was supposed to resemble a smile.

And then everything was just dandy, and all the little children with their innocent impressionable brains were pleased, and that, everybody, was the happy-- and _politically correct--_ end.


End file.
